Photo: Darya Tryfanava

The first few weeks of college can be rough. A freshman calls home complaining about a roommate, struggling with classes or wondering whether they made a mistake by leaving home in the first place. For parents, the instinct is usually the same: reassure them. Give it time. Things will get better.

Often, they do.

Feeling homesick, lonely or overwhelmed is a normal part of adjusting to college. Students are suddenly navigating new surroundings, new relationships and far more responsibility than they had in high school. Some amount of discomfort comes with the territory.

But there is a difference between having a hard time adjusting and becoming unable to adjust.

For parents, that may be the more important question: Is my child struggling with college, or is that struggle starting to interfere with their ability to function?

It’s Not About Whether They’re Happy

A student doesn’t have to love college to be doing okay.

They can miss home terribly and still get up for class. They can feel lonely and still try to meet people. They can have a miserable week and still eat, sleep, keep up with their responsibilities and look for ways to make things better.

The concern grows when distress begins to change what a student is actually able to do.

That means parents may want to look beyond what their child says they are feeling and pay attention to what is happening around those feelings. Are they still going to class? Are they maintaining relationships? Are they taking care of themselves? Are they finding ways to cope, even if imperfectly?

One difficult weekend doesn’t necessarily tell you much. A pattern of withdrawal and declining functioning can.

Four Changes Worth Paying Attention To

Parents don’t have the benefit of seeing their college student’s everyday life anymore. That makes individual conversations important, but it also means looking for changes over time rather than treating every bad day as a crisis.

1. They’re pulling away

Spending a weekend alone or needing some time away from other people isn’t automatically a warning sign. College students need downtime, too.

What deserves more attention is a growing pattern of isolation: abandoning activities they once enjoyed, avoiding social situations altogether, withdrawing from roommates or friends, or becoming increasingly disconnected from the people around them.

The American Academy of Pediatrics lists excessive isolation and abandoning friends, social groups or pastimes among the signs that a young person may be struggling with their mental health.

2. School starts falling apart

There is a big difference between saying, “I hate this class,” and stopping going to class altogether.

A noticeable drop in academic performance, repeatedly missing lectures or failing to keep up with assignments can indicate that something bigger is getting in the way.

Again, the issue isn’t one bad grade. College is full of them. It’s a sustained change in a student’s ability to manage responsibilities that should catch a parent’s attention.

3. Their basic routines change

Mental health struggles don’t always announce themselves as emotional problems.

Sometimes they show up in the most ordinary parts of the day. A student who used to maintain a relatively consistent routine may suddenly be sleeping most of the day, struggling to sleep at night, eating very differently, losing energy or having difficulty getting out of bed.

When those changes become persistent, particularly alongside withdrawal or declining school performance, they are worth taking seriously.

4. They don’t seem like themselves

Parents often know when something feels different, even when they can’t immediately explain why.

A normally engaged student may become unusually irritable or withdrawn. Someone who used to talk openly may suddenly become secretive or evasive. Persistent sadness, heightened anxiety, hopelessness or increased substance use can also be warning signs, particularly when they represent a noticeable change from the student’s usual behavior.

The key is to look at the whole picture rather than trying to diagnose one behavior.

Sometimes the Hardest Part Is What a Student Isn’t Saying

There is another complication: a student may not want their parents to know how badly they are struggling.

College comes with an enormous expectation of independence. For many young adults, leaving home is supposed to be proof that they are ready to manage life on their own. So admitting that they haven’t made friends, aren’t going to class or aren’t coping emotionally can feel like admitting they aren’t ready for adulthood after all.

That can create a cycle of shame and avoidance.

A student may minimize what’s happening during a phone call. They may leave out the bad grade, say they’re “just tired” or avoid answering questions about how things are actually going. The less comfortable they feel admitting that they’re struggling, the easier it can become to hide the problem.

Yellowbrick, a treatment center focused on adolescents and emerging adults, uses the concept of “failure to thrive” to describe situations in which a young adult becomes stalled across important areas of development and daily functioning. Its work with emerging adults also emphasizes the role that shame and vulnerability can play in preventing people from acknowledging difficulties or asking for help.

That doesn’t mean every homesick freshman is experiencing a serious mental health problem. It does mean that parents shouldn’t assume silence equals stability.

Parents Are Working With Less Information

Before college, parents have a much clearer view of their child’s routine. They know whether they’re getting out of bed, eating meals, going to school, seeing friends and generally keeping up with life.

Once a student moves away, that visibility disappears.

A weekly phone call can therefore tell a parent only so much. A student might sound perfectly fine for 20 minutes while struggling with the rest of their week.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends staying connected while giving college students increasing responsibility for their own health and decisions. Regular check-ins can help parents ask about academic, social and emotional adjustment without turning every conversation into an interrogation.

Sometimes the most useful questions are also the simplest: How are classes going? Have you found people you like spending time with? How are you sleeping? What’s been harder than you expected?

And then, perhaps most importantly, listen to the answers.

Look at the Direction, Not Just the Moment

Parents don’t need to diagnose their child’s mental health. They don’t need to decide whether a difficult transition qualifies as “failure to thrive.”

They do need to notice when the trajectory is changing.

A lonely student who is gradually making friends may simply be adjusting. A student overwhelmed by classes who reaches out for tutoring or campus support is still finding ways forward. A student who struggles but talks honestly about what’s happening is giving their family an opportunity to help.

The picture looks different when a student is becoming increasingly isolated, missing classes, abandoning daily routines, struggling with basic self-care and hiding what is happening from the people around them.

College does not have to feel good all the time to be going well. But when distress becomes persistent, worsens or starts getting in the way of everyday functioning, it may be time to look beyond homesickness and consider whether the student needs more support.

The goal isn’t to take over. It’s to notice when a young adult is no longer simply having a difficult transition, and make sure they don’t have to navigate that difficulty alone.